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Those two people who tried to sneak the body of their dead 91-year-old grandfather out of England reminded me of something.

You know those vampires who advertise funeral plans on morning TV? They try to play on the heartstrings of sensitive retired people, selling them funeral insurance that they don’t really need. “Imagine if you suddenly died,” they say.

Think of this practically. Why do you need to think of your death? There is absolutely no reason to in everyday life. If you were dead you aren’t going to care what happens to your corpse. Death is a pretty common thing, your family is going to get over it and they will pay for the funeral just like every other family. A funeral is the family’s responsibility not the person who has died. How can you be responsible for something when you are dead?

You would assume that most people with a job and a family would have life insurance. If you have life insurance why the hell would you need funeral insurance? This question is answered in these vampiric adverts, “Oh, I knew Bill’s life insurance wasn’t going to pay out for ages and I had all these bills to pay…” It is obvious to me what is going on here. It is the same companies who do life insurance and funeral insurance. They have contrived things in such a way that life insurance does not pay out for ages meaning that you need funeral insurance as well. This is so obviously a scam and somebody needs to put a stop to it.

Hundreds of years ago there was probably a reason for life insurance taking ages to pay out. But in this day and age information travels instantaneously – there is absolutely no reason in the world, except in circumstances of foul play or criminal misconduct, for life insurance to take so long to pay out.

All this proves one thing: vampires do exist!